6 Ways Mothers-in-Law Can Support “Leaving and Cleaving”
Parenting
Audio By Carbonatix
By Gina Smith, Crosswalk.com
"That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh." —Genesis 2:24
While raising my children, I had a constant awareness that their time with me was temporary and that one day they would leave home. If I'm being honest, I have to admit that I did not look forward to the day when they would pack up their rooms and move into the next season of their lives. There's really nothing that can prepare you for that day.
The weddings of my two children were two of the best—and bittersweet—day of my life. I thoroughly rejoiced and celebrated with them with a grateful heart. But at the same time, there was a feeling of loss like no other I'd ever felt. God was so merciful to meet me where I was at, to comfort me, and usher me into the next season. He has helped me adjust and continues to teach me how to live out a new season of motherhood.
I had ideas and hopes of what I wanted the relationship with my adult children and their spouses to look like, and I have made quite a few mistakes as I've been learning what God wants our relationships to look like. Now that it has been over seven years since they were married, I realize that I initially set out with relationship goals that were primarily focused on my own desires, rather than on what God might want or what my children and their spouse might need. It's been a slow process of shifting my focus from myself and my desires to God, allowing Him to direct me one day at a time in how He wants me to relate to my children and their spouses.
The scripture is clear about God's desire for the marriage relationship when it says a man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, becoming one flesh. It is clear that one of my important callings is to step aside and relinquish them to God, allowing them to become their own family unit—completely separate from me. Rather than seeing "leaving and cleaving" as a loss, I am learning to embrace it as an invitation—an opportunity to bless, support, and strengthen the next generation's marriages.
Ways to Support Leaving and Cleaving:
1. Encourage Independence and Interdependence
Leaving and cleaving isn't about abandoning parents; it's about forming a new, independent family unit. The wedding day marks a shift in loyalty and priority. A new household has begun. It's moving from dependence on one's family of origin to standing on one's own two feet. The wedding day also marks the beginning of a new life for a husband and wife, as they learn to lean on each other in love, support, and shared responsibility. It's about walking in unity. My job is to look for ways I can encourage and support their independence and interdependence.
2. Don't Cling to Them–Release Them
Genesis 2:24 makes it clear that it is part of God's design for our children to leave. Although I believe that he understands the pain that comes with the leaving (after all, he is a father who had to let go of his only son), his desire and plan for us, as parents, is that we release our children. This does not mean that we withdraw love and aren't involved in their lives at all. It means that we need to learn to entrust our children to God and honor the new household they are building.
We are called to pray over them, choosing to trust that He is at work, even if your children make different decisions than you would. Trust is an act of worship—it reminds us that He is the ultimate Father and guide. Our children are much safer in God's hands than they ever have been when they lived in our homes.
3. Respect Their Oneness and Boundaries
In Ephesians 5:31 we see the same theme that we see in Genesis. A husband and wife are one flesh. This oneness is physical, emotional, spiritual, and covenantal. This is the deepest level of unity possible between two people, and is designed to reflect the gospel. Our job is to support and affirm this oneness in our words and actions. We must learn to communicate respect for their partnership.
Part of respecting their oneness is honoring their boundaries. Philippians 2:4 instructs each of us to: "Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others." When we make it our goal to intentionally remember that there are now boundaries that should not be crossed because our married children are now a separate household, we are practicing looking out for their interests, not our own. This might look like not showing up to their homes unannounced, not offering uninvited advice, or honoring their decisions about parenting or finances.
4. Encourage and Pray for Them
Look for the ways that they complement each other and encourage them by telling them how you see God working in their marriage. Pull your children's spouse in and celebrate them like you do your own children. Look for ways to serve them and to make life easier for them. Your son or daughter-in-law is not a rival for your child's time and affection; they are God's gift to your family. Let them know that!
Make it a goal to pray more than you speak! Even if there are times when you might want to intervene or give advice, wisdom is shown when you hold back. Instead of speaking quickly, lift the concern to God in prayer. James 1:19 reminds us: "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak..." By being slow to speak, you create space for God to move in their lives. He knows them better than you do. He knows what is best for them and understands their needs. Your prayers behind the scenes accomplish more than your words ever could.
5. Love and Serve Unconditionally
No matter what happens, love them and be there for them unconditionally, in the same way God is there for us. Remember that they are in a process of growth and learning, just like we are. They are not going to be perfect adults and always relate perfectly. We need to not be easily offended or hurt. Give them room to be imperfect.
Be consistent. Regardless of what they say or do, you can remain steadfast and faithful to your calling to love and support them. What you say and do is done before God and to honor Him. No strings attached. Ask God to show you the ways they need to be served and loved—whether with childcare, meals, or encouragement. Allow
Galatians 5:13 to guide how you serve them by "serving one another humbly in love." This kind of serving and love can be used to build trust and strengthen the relationship, but even more important than that, it glorifies God!
6. Work on Your Own Marriage
One of the best ways we can support leaving and cleaving is by living it out ourselves. Don't stop learning ways in which God wants your marriage to grow in oneness, and make it known that you are still learning. As you continue to learn and share the things God is teaching you, you are able to be a living example to your children (and the younger generation) of what it means to persevere in your walk with God, your marriage, and in your own process of learning. Colossians 3:14 reminds us that, "And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." Your perseverance and example speak louder than words and give your children hope and a pattern worth following.
When we honor God's design for marriage, we create an atmosphere of blessing that can ripple for generations. Being supportive helps a couple feel secure, which in turn strengthens the foundation of the family. Strong families point back to a faithful God. Our role is vital. Just because your children have set up their own household does not mean we are sidelined. God has a purpose for us. We have been placed into a new position. One that is meant to be an encourager, a supporter, and a prayer warrior! By embracing God's design for leaving and cleaving, we can help our children's marriages flourish.
Let's Pray
Father, thank You for the gift of marriage and for how You have provided spouses for my children. Please teach me how to honor you as the parent of married children and as a mother-in-law. Teach me how to encourage independence and interdependence and how to release them into your hands. I know that is the safest place they could ever be! Help me to be sensitive to your spirit so that I will look out for their interests over my own and respect their oneness and boundaries. Show me how you want me to encourage them and how I can pray for them. Help me to love them unconditionally and show them grace as they learn and grow. I pray that you would also help me to continue work on my own marriage, that we might be an example of humility as we grow in our understanding of what it means to honor you in our marriage. Thank you for teaching me your purpose as a mother-in-law. I want to be a blessing, not a burden. Amen.
