Should Parents Wait Until Their Kids Are Grown to Divorce?

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Choosing to divorce before your kids are grown is difficult and personal. Many factors contribute to the decision to get a divorce. First, it depends on your situation. Have you and your spouse grown apart, or are there more serious issues going on, like abuse? You also need to factor in aspects such as custody agreements, child support, and alimony. Being in a broken marriage is stressful enough, despite the issues that come with divorce. You have to do what's right for you and your children.

Understanding the Emotional Impact of Divorce on Children

The emotional impact of divorce on children is different at different ages. Child development is a big factor in the emotional impact of divorce because children process divorce according to their cognitive and emotional maturity. 

Infants and Toddlers (0-3 years): Children at this age are unaware of the concept of divorce, but are extremely sensitive to the emotional climate in the home. Things like reduced interaction with one parent or shifts in routine can cause anxiety and insecurity. Some behavioral signs at this age include frequent crying or tantrums, issues with sleeping and eating, and increased clinginess to caregivers.

Preschoolers (3-5 years): Preschoolers can grasp that parents don't live together, but interpret these changes solidly. They may react from feelings of abandonment or guilt. Some behavioral signs to watch out for include bedwetting, thumb sucking, expressing fears about being alone, and having difficulty understanding the reasons behind the divorce.

Early School Age (6-8 years): Children in this stage have a broader understanding of relationships and may have a mix of emotions including anger, sadness, and confusion. They are also developing a greater awareness of social dynamics, which may lead to embarrassment or stigma. Some behavioral signs include changes in academic performance, withdrawing from friends and activities, and increased aggression.

Middle childhood (9-12 years): By this age, children can understand more complex emotions and social situations. Still, they may feel torn between parents and have loyalty conflicts or the need to mediate. Some behaviors to watch out for include mood swings, emotional outbursts, and refusing to talk about the divorce or feelings of resentment.

Adolescents (13-18 years): At this age, teenagers understand the complexities of relationships and may feel powerful emotions of anger, loss, or betrayal. They may struggle with their place or identity in the family dynamic. Some behaviors to watch out for include withdrawing from family activities, increased independence, engaging in risky behaviors, and anger at one or both parents.

The "Staying Together for the Kids" Myth  

One of the most persistent myths about marriage is that it's good to stay in an unhappy marriage because it's beneficial for the kids. Protective instincts are at the root of this myth. Parents don't want to hurt their children and fear that divorce will cause emotional turmoil, instability, and social stigma. They believe that portraying a united front to the world, regardless of how miserable they are, shows a commitment to family values and preserves a sense of community in their kids' lives.

However, this mindset can be misleading because it overlooks the emotional and psychological effects of parental conflict. Children are keen observers and can pick up on tension and sadness. The conflict you are feeling with or towards your spouse can lead to anxiety, depression, and even behavioral issues with your children.

Some impacts of parental conflict include:

Emotional Distress: Kids can have feelings of fear, confusion, and sadness, which can morph into anxiety and depression, which affects their overall well-being.

Behavioral Issues: Sometimes kids have behavioral issues like aggression, withdrawal, or issues at school. Children often mimic the relational patterns they observe, which can lead to unhealthy relationship patterns in their future.

Poor Academic Performance: The stress of a dysfunctional household can negatively impact a child's academic performance and concentration in school. If this continues, it could have long-term effects.

This suggests that staying together may not be entirely beneficial.

Key Factors to Consider Before Deciding to Divorce

There are many things to consider before deciding to divorce. 

Relationship Health: Assess the emotional connection you share with your spouse. Do you feel loved and cared for? Is there mutual love, trust, and understanding? Consider how you feel with your spouse, whether your spouse values and reciprocates your needs and feelings, and if you feel your spouse supports your personal and professional endeavors.

Conflict Patterns: Conflicts are inevitable, and their resolution is crucial for everyone. Assess whether your argument is constructive or destructive. Some signs of unhealthy patterns include frequent, unresolved arguments that leave you both feeling hurt, behavior that borders on contempt, criticism, and stonewalling, as well as recurring arguments due to a lack of resolution.

Life Goals and Values: Do you and your partner still share the same life goals and values? Are you aligned on major decisions, such as career aspirations, the lifestyle you desire, and how you manage your finances?

Communication: Consider whether you and your partner can still be open and honest, express feelings and thoughts without fear or judgment, have productive conversations, or if issues are avoided.

Can you save your marriage? Do you think counseling, either together or separately, would help? 

If communication has broken down or is nonexistent, it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship.

Financial Implications of Divorcing with Children

Other factors to consider include the financial implications of divorce when you have children. Does this mean you shouldn't if things are awful? Not at all. There are certain situations where it's most beneficial for everyone to get out of.   

Legal Fees: Hiring a divorce attorney can be a tremendous expense, costing from hundreds to thousands of dollars, depending on experience and the complexity of your case.

Court Costs: Filing fees and additional costs, including serving papers, can add to the financial burden.

Asset division: Determining how to split assets, such as real estate or personal property, can lead to expensive negotiations and possible litigation.

Other indirect costs can include:

Living Arrangements: After divorce, parents will need to establish new living arrangements, which can either increase or decrease their disposable income. The cost of renting or buying a new home, paying for utilities, and maintenance costs can lead to financial strain.

Increased Household Expenses: Having only one income will cause more financial strain and cost more per person.

The Impact of Custody Arrangements

Physical Custody: This refers to the arrangement of where children live. Sole custody means the child lives with one parent most of the time, whereas joint custody includes two living arrangements. 

Legal Custody: Refers to the right to make significant decisions regarding upbringing, education, healthcare, and religious training.

Economic Considerations

Sole Custody: The parent with whom the child spends the most time bears more of the expenses, including day-to-day living, schooling, and extracurricular activities. These expenses are crucial to consider when determining child support.

Joint Custody: Both parents share direct costs, including transportation and other activities, but still face separate housing costs. However, joint custody agreements can lead to disagreements about financial responsibilities, making it essential to have clear agreements. 

There are several financial factors to consider when deciding whether to divorce or not.

The Role of Parenting Plans in Divorce Proceedings 

If you are still planning to divorce before your kids are grown, plan things out. Have a written agreement that outlines how you and your former spouse will raise your children after divorce. Things to include are:

Custody Arrangements: These include physical custody, which determines where the children will live, and legal custody, which involves making decisions regarding education, healthcare, and general welfare.

Visitation Schedules: This includes specific details about when and how children will spend time with their parents, including regular visits, holidays, and vacations.

Communication Protocols: Outline guidelines for how you will communicate about your child's needs, schedules, and issues, whether that's via phone call, email, or text. 

Financial Responsibilities: Include expenses like child support, costs of healthcare, and education.

Dispute Resolution: Line out procedures for handling disagreements related to the parenting plan, including mediation or other conflict resolution methods.

Having a plan like this in place can make things much easier for your children.

Alternative Conflict Resolution Strategies

If you think you and your spouse can work things out, here are some ideas for conflict resolution strategies.

Mediation: This involves using a third party to help you and your spouse discuss and resolve issues. They don't decide for you; they guide you in expressing concerns openly and working collaboratively toward a solution. 

Counseling: This involves a professional therapist guiding you and your spouse through your challenges. Sessions focus on communication techniques, conflict resolution strategies, and emotional issues.

Therapy: This is a more individualized approach where each person sees a therapist. This way, they can focus on personal growth and emotional healing.

Many factors influence whether parents should wait to get divorced until the kids are grown, making it a personal choice. Ultimately, each couple must make their own decision about what is best for their family and situation. 

Carrie Lowrance is a freelance writer and author. She has had her work featured on Crosswalk, iBelieve, Huffington Post, and the Penny Hoarder. She is also the author of three children’s books, three clean romance books, one romance novella, three books of poetry, and one non-fiction book. When she’s not writing, she enjoys cooking and baking, reading, and hanging out with her husband, and sweet cat, Cupcake. You can find out more about Carrie and her writing at www.carrielowrance.com.